"I choose it for me."

I told myself to wait until we went to the beach at the end of the month, but I couldn't wait and started reading Train Like a Mother: How to Get Across Any Finish Line -and Not Lose Your Family, Job, or Sanity by Dimity McDowell and Sarah Bowen Shea(SBS) a few days ago. I love it because the chapters are short enough to finish one before someone needs me and long enough that I feel like I really gained a bit of something. All the added snippets mean I can pick up anywhere after someone (read - PT) takes out my bookmark and find a quick gem of knowledge.

Today I was into the second chapter and I read something that made me put down the book and write this post. I was immediately inspired and reaffirmed about my whole goal. Warmth spread through me as I read Dimity's words and I was amazed how her declaration spoke so clearly to me. "I choose it for me." 


I did it. For me. I made the choice to put me first. That seeming small action has produced such a hugely wonderful change in me and my life. Something so simple. A choice. Not an easy choice, it has taken more work then I thought I had time for. Not a one time choice, every day the same choice presents itself albeit a touch differently sometimes. But a good choice, a smart choice, a healthy choice? Yes. And you would be hard pressed to find a moving mom who speaks to the contrary.

Running has done more for me in these past eight and a half months then I would had thought possible.  In one of my earliest MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) meetings,a mom mentioned that when the kids nap, she only does things for her. Selfish? A little. Greedy? Maybe. Necessary? Most definitely. Of course I tried it, and I still do, but the time that I got the most out of nap-time/me-time was when I started working out on the Wii after PT was born. Somewhere I lost that, but I've found it again in running. Me-time. 

If you are on the fence about me-time, Dimity says it better then I can:

"If it sounds like training is self-centered and narcissistic, it completely is. But if you're like 95 percent of the mothers out there, you deserve-and are in definite need of-some me time. And in case it feels too greedy, consider this argument: If you are the linchpin of your family, you need to be healthy enough to fulfill your duties. You must take care of yourself, because, the sad truth is, nobody else is going to take care of you. Plus, if you're dragging and sad and bitter-which you might be if you're always last on your list-your emotional state will negatively affect your house and family."

For along time, I felt, and often told my husband, I was the bottom of the totem pole all the time. I was of the opinion that my needs and wants didn't mean much and I would find myself stuck in a downhill sprint of feeling down on me while tending to everyone else's needs. Putting in some miles, sweat, pain, and, most valuably, time has made me feel healthier. Not only physically, because I can run MILES (yup, plural) without intense effort, but mentally I am stronger. The relief of only focusing on me has increase my patience though out the day. Which as a mom, is vital and invaluable.

As moms it is easy to feel responsible for everyone and everything all the time. When a chip falls out of place and the tower comes crashing down we can feel completely responsible, regardless of if it is in anyway our fault or of our control. I know I do, often. The feeling that we should always be in control of the situation with our kids, our spouse, the state of the house, the dog, the weather (sometimes we can be a bit unreasonable, no?) can be overwhelming. Getting a good sweat on during some me-time helps me to let go of all of it, if just for a little while. A chance to allow myself to surrender to the idea that I am worth my time. And my time is valuable. But I am worth it. In my surrender, I have found a peace I didn't think possible and is still a struggle to find some days. It is coming easier though. And it's easiest to find after a long, uninterrupted morning run.